We have all been told since we were kids lying is wrong. I think
it is a fine lesson. Kids lying should not be permitted by
parents. They should admit their wrong doings and face the
consequences. When I was a child, I did not ever consider
lying to my parents. However, I am not a child any
There are times when Lying is necessary. We must sometimes, as
parents lie to our own children. I know how terrible this must
sound but you know you have done it. C’mon you have. I don’t
know who coined the phrase, “honesty is always the best policy”,
but they were wrong.
As adults, we know or at least we should know, when to lie and when
to tell the truth. I realize most of you have not had any formal
training on lying or when to lie so it is my pleasure to be here
for you in this capacity. Lets run through some life circumstances
where lying is acceptable, fun or both.
Lying to a perspective employer
You are in an interview for a great job. It could pay you more than
you ever thought you could make. The interview is going perfectly
until the interviewer says “This job requires you have at least an
associate’s degree”. The problem is you don’t have an associate’s
degree so it is now time to make a choice.
Well here are your choices: You could tell the truth, and continue
the agonizing job search, or you could just consider lying. You
could simply appear dumbfounded and apologize for the absence of
the paperwork for your associate’s degree. Then go home and
manufacture it, fax it back to them, and follow it up with a phone
call. Some of you may believe this could not possibly work, but I
can tell you first hand, you are wrong.
If you decided to tell the truth than you could just take all of
your integrity, honesty, morality and decency home to your spouse
and hand it to them and say, “Hey honey can you take this and see
if you can use it to prepare something for all of us to eat for
Lying to those who disturb the sanctity of your home
From time to time, an asshole will come to your home asking
for money or wanting to enter your home for the purpose of
demonstrating some piece of shit vacuum cleaner they would like for
you to buy. You are home and someone dares to come knocking on your
door. Someone is trying to capitalize on this special day while you
are off work. They have decided since you are home they have the
right to enter your castle and disrupt the only thing that prevents
you from being homicidal.
Whether they are interrupting time with your family or time with
your Xbox, they are robbing you of that which you are in need of.
You should not feel guilty lying to this person if you
choose. You are within your rights as a human being to simply
say, “Go to Hell!” or “Haul you ass from my sight!”. If you do not
wish to be rude, lying is a fine option. Lying will
enable you to use your creativity to turn a bad
situation into a fun story to tell your friends or write in
your blog about.
It is okay, the world will understand. For instance, you can say,
“Hey not to be rude, but you kind of pulled me off of my wife. We
were just making whoopy. Would you like to come in and wait for 20
or 30 minutes for us to finish?” Trust me. They will leave.
Lying to a controlling bitch of a spouse
As a result of my first marriage, I developed skills as a liar
that, if there was a market for it, I could go on tour, giving
seminars on deception to automobile salesmen all over the country.
She had a problem with everything I ever did, and if you know me,
you know I don’t really do a hell of a lot. The most important
thing she taught me was the importance of lying. I would never to
do anything without first getting my lie straight. I knew the lies
I told her needed to be quick, rehearsed and executed as if pulled
from a holster.
I never went out drinking or whoring around, I am too cheap to
drink out at a bar, and too lazy to have an affair. I mean just
regular guy stuff. If I wanted to go to a concert with a friend or
anything that did not involve her then a lie would ultimately have
to be told. So if you are trapped in this situation, where you are
not allowed to be who you are. I support your fictional portrayal
of the truth 100%.
Liars have more fun
Another thing about lying that perhaps you have never considered,
is that it is fun. It is an opportunity for you to use your
creativity to a live audience. Telling the truth, yes it is very
moral and noble, and blah blah blah. It doesn’t however offer any
type of creative outlet. It is actually quite easy. If I am
somewhere and a total stranger decides to strike up a conversation
with me, I don’t look at them as a person I might have something in
common with, or even someone I might find to be interesting. I look
at them as a blank canvas that I can paint the most outrageous
stories on, and see how long I can hold their interest by gauging
their reaction. I find it thrilling to view the outrageousness of
my words in the reflection of their eyes.
For example; Years ago I was on a first date at a
restaurant/theatre. A couple sitting at our table struck up a
conversation with my date and me. I perked right up and could not
believe the size of the canvas I was just given. This was a
two-fold opportunity for lying awesomeness.
I jumped right in and told them we were married and lived in
Chicago. I told this couple that all we do year round is compete in
hot air balloon races all over the world. I told them that her dad
was the CEO of DirecTV, and that he finances all of our equipment.
I went on and on. I even made up a story about our balloon, while
on an illegal night-time flight running out of gas got caught on a
skyscraper in Las Vegas. I said we hung by the deflated balloon
material for 14 hours until we could be rescued by helicopter. They
were buying it all so I asked them if they heard about it on the
news. I told them that I did six months in the Nevada state
correctional facility for operating a hot air balloon in the city
limits at night. You should have seen their faces. They were
laughing until they were crying.
Where was the wrong in this? I had fun. My date had fun, and the
couple sitting next to us could not have been more thrilled to have
met us. Imagine how boring this evening would have been for
everyone if I were like many people who are categorically opposed
to lying on principal.
Lying is not always the best method. I would be remiss not to say
it lying is wrong in any case where someone else will end up
paying for your deeds or actions. Lying is wrong when it jams
someone else up. I should also say that I personally have never and
will never lie to make a story more interesting. If I say something
happened than you can be sure that it did. There are times when
lying is not wrong and there are times when lying to people is
wrong. It is up to you to do what you can live with.
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