Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is probably one of the most famous Christmas stories in the world. I find that sad. I cannot for the life of me, understand what it is about this story that any parent would like their child to learn.Christmas stories like that typically have an underlying message that teach kids some life lesson or help them to understand things about the world. Rudolph is no exception to that rule. It’s just the wrong lesson. Let me explain.
For those of you who have not heard the story. A beautiful reindeer is born, but he is a little different. He is not like the other reindeer. He had a shiny red nose that glows. It, through most of the story, causes him nothing but grief and bullshit; much like anybody who,God Forbid, is different than others and the world just can’t seem to grasp this. With the exception of Rudolph’s mother, the entire town was on his ass for something he could not help, and something he could not change. He wasn’t like everyone else, so all the other asshole reindeer decide that they don’t like Rudolph because of this shiny red nose.
They laughed at him and they called him names. Rudolph’s father even covers his nose with a fake black one so that Santa Clause will find him acceptable. Yes, Santa. There is a scene where Santa, wobbles his jolly fat ass right into the shop where Rudolph’s dad was putting the finishing touches on his new black nose. Rudolph’s dad informs him that he has the nose problems well under control. He explains to Santa that it won’t be a problem, and that is son won’t embarrass him.
Rudolph had no friends, no family, and no support system. He for no reason was made to feel bad about himself. His own father and that White bearded, bag-toting, ho ho ho shouting, sack of shit who is loved across the globe, could not see the beauty in what was different about this gentle meek child reindeer.
Sometime later, a storm came in. It was a storm that could have halted Christmas. Santa was very concerned. (so he claimed) He was worried that all the poor little children in the world would have to go without the toys that his slave colony of elves has been working on all year. Yes, he was screwed. Santa did not have a clue, and he did not have a plan. he stood outside and watched the storm roll in with nothing, but his dick in his hand.
Then all of a sudden, Santa remembers Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He thinks to himself “Yeah Rudolph! That is the reindeer whose balls I have been busting all year. He is the one that has no friends and whose life I have been ruining for the glorification of my ego.”
So now that Santa’s plans are shit side up, he thinks of Rudolph. Santa realizes that Rudolph’s shiny red nose can be of service to him and to the rest of the bastards who ostracized him and shut him out. Their lives can now be easier with Rudolph’s nose.
So Santa, and Rudolph’s father, and all the other Shit-bag reindeer went to Rudolph, humble for the first time. Santa looking at the ground says “Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?”
Rudolph proudly agrees, to escort these son’s of bitches. He just tucked his tail and bailed these assholes out. This basically the story of Rudolph.
I would like to apologize on behalf of Director: Larry Roemer, and Writers: Robert May, Romeo Muller. Literarily speaking they have corn-holed us all. All these years you have had to know the story as it is and it is all because of these three assholes
Well your pain ends today. I, Tom Nardone, and I would like to present a more proper ending to this story. I now present the Tom Nardone ending.
“Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?” Rudolph agrees. (Now stay with me) So on the night they leave, the reindeer get harnessed up, and they all take to the air from the North Pole. Santa is relieved; he could not believe that his gelatinous ass was finally airborne, and everything would work out okay, or so it seemed.
Presenting: Rudolph the Rad-Nosed Reindeer.
Rudolph was at the head of the pack leading the way to spread Christmas cheer to the whole world. About twenty minutes into the flight, they were clear of land. Then Rudolph, seeing, that they were now flying over the ocean, breaks a sinister grin. He detaches himself from his harness and flies around alongside the sleigh and says to Santa and all the reindeer.
Rudolph’s nose increased its brightness casting a fiery red aura around himself as he spoke:
“ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE TREATED LIKE ANY OTHER REINDEER, BUT ALL OF YOU CHOSE TO SHIT ON ME! SO YOU PRICKS THINK ABOUT THAT ON YOUR WAY TO HELL. I THIRST FOR THE TEARS YOU WILL SHED AS YOU CRASH THIS PIECE OF SHIT SLEIGH INTO THE OCEAN, WHILE TRYING TO FLY THIS MOTHER-F#CKER BLIND!! BEFORE YOU DIE. KNOW THIS!!
I AM GOING BACK TO CHRISTMAS TOWN, AND I’M GONNA BURN THAT MOTHERFU#KER TO THE GROUND WHILE THE WHOLE TOWN SLEEPS!!! I WILL DRINK YAGER FROM THE SKULL OF AN ELF, AND EAT VENISON AS I STAND IN THE CREMATORY THAT YOU ASSHOLES ONCE CALLED HOME, I WILL WAIT FOR THE WHOLE TOWN TO BURN. WHEN IT IS COMPLETE I WILL GATHER THE ASHES AND THEM IM GONNA BURN THE F#CKING ASHES.
YOU DOUCHE-BAGS DENIED ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS, SO I WILL JUST MAKE MY OWN HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
SO MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES, MERRY FU@%ING CHRISTMAS.
Rudolph then flew away leaving Santa and the other reindeer without any hope of survival.